Regaining Strength

A few things have been on my mind lately which isn’t unusual. I guess lately I’ve been reflecting on where I am right now, at this moment with the year being 2 months away from being over. 

It’s no surprise, 2017 was the worst year I’ve had in my entire life. I’ll say that very openly with no hesitation. Many things made this year that way for me. Not only was this my worst year; it was the brokest I’ve been, lonely, uncomfortable, confused, re-birthed, redirected, shifted I’ve ever been in my life. My life has lived and felt every emotion possible. Here I am - 9 months later. But where am I really? Sometimes I still have moments like “What am I doing?” I really wonder how did I get here? What does “here” even mean because I haven’t arrived.

I have questions, because I don’t know all the answers, I actually don’t know any answer. Sometimes just going with the motion is my best answer. I’ve never put a time on my grievance period, I’ve never stopped myself from feeling the emotions I needed to feel, I’ve just gone with the flow. That was the season I was in.

But this year, many things shifted in and out of my life. Life ran it’s course for many things and people in my life and it helped me repaint the blank canvas I’ve had most of the year. I felt like life was telling me “Renee’, It’s time to rebuild this thing.” Things happen to us, sometimes for us, that require us to shift. It requires the loneliness, change, confusion, rejection and questions. It puts us in a place where we have to depend on ourselves, on God and learn who we are, or who we desire to become. It puts us in a place where that act of faith comes into play, when you don’t have anything else to depend on, and that’s your only choice. When that small thread of faith is the only reason you woke up that morning. What you’re believing in? Who knows. But knowing it has to be something thats giving your life purpose. Those situations create the appreciation for life and the struggle. They mold you into who you’re supposed to become. They build the thick skin you need to get through this thing called life. Without those situations, who would you really be? 

You can either let life happen to you, or let life happen for you. It’s totally a choice. You decide how you want to show up. I didn’t want to stay in that dark place in my life anymore. I didn’t want to cry every single day, I reached a point where I didn’t feel like I had any tears left to cry. I decided to let myself be open and receptive to healing — that’s when I let that painful, heavy, heartbreak of loss start to simmer. I didn’t want to be angry or hurt anymore. When I wanted to change the way I felt about the shifts happening in my life that’s when I started doing life differently. 

My strength came from recreating my canvas. It came from having the tools in my hand, and deciding what I was going to make or create with them. I’ve been recreating the life that I want, a life very authentic to who I am day in and day out. I’ve started putting things out into the world, for God to bring it back to me full circle. I’ve reminded myself of how lit I am, and that I don’t have to settle for anything less than my level of lit lol. I’ve stepped out my zone a lot and started doing things I’ve always had an interest in. I stopped saying “no” so much and sacrificed my 8 hours of sleep for a night out with my friends. I am doing exactly what I want to do and that’s where my strength comes from. I even bossed up and got a financial advisor, now you know that’s real. I’ve started planning a few business moves for myself before the end of the year. I’m just doing all the things, all the things that come to my mind, that I desire, that God allows me to do. I stopped waiting to hear God give me the go-ahead when I know He gave me the desire. He’s given me the strength. To be where I am now mentally, from where I was 9 months ago when I could have cared less if I lived to see another day. 

That’s God’s goodness and His glory. He doesn’t leave us, He doesn’t forsake us, He is right there in the nitty gritty of it all. When people tell me how strong I am, I truly have no words. I have no words because I didn’t know how to be strong. I didn’t know how to handle it. They didn’t write a manual for this. This level of strength didn’t come with a syllabus. I just had to go through the thick of it, in order to feel this way. I had to be broken, to be rebuilt in my entire life. Life threw me in the washer on the extra spin cycle. You get the point, It had to be this way. When I was ready for God, He was ready for me. That’s where my strength comes from. Deciding I wasn’t going to live in that empty, lonely place forever. I just couldn’t. Life is a gift, we only get one try at this.

So many beautiful things are created from your storms, your mistakes, and your downfalls. There is so much to say about your journey, your life, your character created because of those situations. Don’t you ever give up. Don’t you ever think you can’t come out on the other side of things. Your strength is beautiful. Your scars are unique, the ones we see and the ones we don’t. Your heart is so big, and if it’s been broken or disappointed it makes loving life again more cherished than before. Value your time, your space, your flow. I’m rooting for you when you can’t consistently do that for yourself. 

"I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me."